We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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