At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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