I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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