her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
