My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
