I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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