god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
