They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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