Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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