i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
