the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize