You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sorry about my life...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
