I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.