no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer