I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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