I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
