you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
