I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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