Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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