To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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