I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
