hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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