i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
