You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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