I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
