you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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