What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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