i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
