The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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