my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
