My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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