I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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