Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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