Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
