I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
