You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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