My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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