What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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