Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
