if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
