she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize