dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
