Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
