Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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