its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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