yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
