I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think my tv is drunk
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
vagina is talking i cant
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
