This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
