Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
