Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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