just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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