turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
