i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
