I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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