I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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