I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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