I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Randomize
