i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
