I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
