Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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