my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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