can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
