Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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