at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
